The Polar Express

We headed up to the cabin the Friday before Christmas. Grandma and Grandpa Stewart took us on the Polar Express this year and it was so fun!!! It was the perfect little getaway right before Christmas. We stayed the night at the cabin, played in the snow the next morning, and did the Polar Express that afternoon. Sky had the time of her life in the snow with sledding. Her and Merik were laughing their heads off. Truly also enjoyed it, but only if she got to go with Lily. Ha. I have some little dare devils on my hands... They get it from their dad, that's for sure! Sky also loved meeting Santa on the train. They still play with their bells he gave them. It was such a fun trip! Thanks Grandpa and Grandma!

Adair Christmas Party

I can't believe I never posted about everything we did in December. I didn't really get a chance to wind down from Christmas with Raef's arrival. I'm lucky I got as much done as I did before he got here.

Anyway, one thing we do every year is go to the Adair Christmas Party. Austin's grandparents are amazing... I feel so blessed to be a part of such a big and wonderful family. I especially love that my kids have so many people that love and care about them. Plus, all the amazing examples they have to look up to! Grandpa and Grandma Adair are in their 90's and nobody is sure how much longer we will be blessed with their presence, so we try to soak in as much time as we can.

The girls actually enjoyed and participated in the singing this year. :) Sky also decided that Great Uncle Doug is the coolest.

Raef made it home!

I spent the night with Raef Sunday night with him completely off all monitors, so I could "practice" with him before he was discharged. His nurse that night was Sui Ling and I loooove her! She taught me a whole lot of helpful information. Monday morning, Dr. Zozobrado examined Raef and told me he was good to go home! I fed him, and home we went!

It has been wonderful being home together. It's only been a couple days, but it's a heck of a lot easier adjusting to 3kids than it is going back and forth from the hospital. Raef is pretty much like a normal baby now, except that I can't let him sleep as long as he wants at night. I can let him do 1 4hr stretch between feedings at night and the rest of the day is every 3hrs. He's just going to be like a newborn for a while... I love newborns, so it's kinda nice, but I am going to be TIRED for a while. If you see me with bags under my eyes... Well, now you know why.

As of now, I'm nursing Raef 5 times a day and giving him a bottle 3 times. The bottles are breastmilk, but I need to fortify it to make it 22calorie milk instead of the normal 20. I shouldn't need to do it for too long, which is nice. I took Raef to the dr this morning and he weighs 6lbs, 5oz.

The girls have been really good with Raef. They just want to be his little mom... Lucky guy! Haha. Truly has surprised me, because she hasn't really been jealous. Right now all 3kids are sleeping, so I think we're all going to adjust to a family of 5 shortly.

Oh, and I don't think I ever shared Raef's full name... Raef Bitner Austin Adair. 4names and not planned. I don't think anything was planned for him!

Improvements

Raef has made big improvements the past couple days. He's getting closer to coming home slowly, but surely. I'm still very anxious for him to come home, but I also want to make sure he is totally healthy and ready. I don't want any turn backs after this experience.

He was taken off the ventilator on Saturday and was using a vapo therm. As of today, he is now using a high flow nasal cannula. His oxygen level is 23% (norm is 21%) and the pressure level is 1.5. He's so close! He's just still figuring out how to work his lungs and keep them at a steady rhythm. I got to feed him a bottle today, which he took like a champ. I'm very proud of him. He also really likes his binky, which I'm happy about. I still can't wait to nurse him! I don't think pumping is any easier than nursing. I know I won't be done pumping for a while though... I'll be doing both till he's strong with nursing and everything is evened out. I think I'm learning a lot of patience with all these baby steps.

We still have no clue when he'll be home. I don't even ask anymore, because I don't want to get my hopes up. I just keep having to remind myself that he should still be cooking inside me, so it's ok he's not home. I just feel like I should be lugging 3 kids around now! Sounds crazy, but it's funny how fast your world changes. :)

Oh, and breast milk anyone?? I'm considering selling some... ;)

It's been a week

I can't believe Raef is almost a week old. It has been the longest yet fastest week of my life. I'm very drained... Just tired and emotionally exhausted. I have learned so much in one week. As hard as this is, I can see why Heavenly Father thought I needed to experience this. My heart has opened up in a way that I can't explain and I can't even comprehend what my friends that have lost babies have gone through. There have been parts of this week where I was very sad, or even mad, but I do feel like this was in the plan for me. Even though our family has been separated a lot this week, I feel like we're drawing closer together, which is such a blessing. I also feel a renewed sense of what is most important in life and where my priorities need to be. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I'm not even sure where to start with Raef, because with how much that has happened and the state of my brain, I don't think I could accurately explain what's going on. Basically, he has an infection that he either developed inside of me or was passed through him during delivery. He did poop inside me, which may also be a cause of that, but it's really hard to tell what and why with newborns. He's been getting antibiotics and hopefully we'll see some improvement really soon. His lungs are still premature. Yesterday things got really bad and he was breathing so fast. It was a really scary experience. Raef was given a dose of surfactant to help open up his lungs and put on the ventilator, because he was so tired. The poor boy was just so worn out. His lungs were collapsing again, but the x-ray this morning showed that they opened up a lot. Because he needed the ventilator, he was transferred to chandler regional hospital. I kind of wish they just did this from the start. He's so much happier and more comfortable here. I feel like he's getting the special treatment he needs. Plus, it's so hard to have such a big setback. He seems to be doing better, but he'll let us know when he's ready.

This has been such a different experience for me. I'm not a big fan of the Americanized stand on medicine. I rarely take my kids to the dr and have never dealt with any big problems... Like ear infections, or anything that would need antibiotics. Don't get me wrong, we've had our own situations. For instance, Sky is allergic to peanuts. I take her to see an allergist when I feel like she needs it, but for the most part, taking care of her skin is just more work than anything a dr could do. Now I have a baby who is a week old that is on antibiotics, has taken an ambulance ride, and who has dr's calling all the shots for him. I'm not a fan. There's some nurses or neonatologists I like better than others. I also felt like he needed surfactant 2 days ago, so it was really upsetting to me that they waited until things got so bad to do it. I'm just praying he makes some improvements fast.

I haven't even left the hospital in over a day. I'm too scared to leave him. I feel like he needs me and he's much more calm with me here. The poor little guy does not like to be messed with. He just wants sleep and rest, but the nurses tell me how patient and sweet he is. Oh, he better be after putting me through all this trouble! The boy has so many people that love him! I can't wait to take him home, and at home is where we will stay all winter! Haha. Thank you friends for checking up on me and showing me love... It really does make a difference. :)

Raef update

Having Raef in the NICU is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I came home Sunday evening. I'm so heartbroken, because I want to be at home with Austin and the girls, but I want to spend all my time with Raef. I feel like he needs me, but I really can't do much for him. The only times I get to hold are every 3hrs during feedings. His little body is working so hard. He needs to be able to rest and focus on his lungs developing. Yesterday was the first time he actually took a whole bottle from me. It was amazing! He was awake and very relaxed. I'm so glad he's able to suck and I can't wait to be able to nurse him. I'm pumping milk for him, so he's still getting the good stuff, but it's not the same. The only benefit from all thus pumping is that I actually feel like I have a lot of milk.

Raef was taken off the CPAP machine after the 1st day. I wish I remembered all the medical terms for everything, but now he has little tubes that point in his nose that push air in. He's definitely improving, but it's going to take time. The NICU staff at mercy Gilbert has been really great. They're obviously not rushing anything and Raef will just come home when he is completely ready. I'm trying to tell myself that this is just going to be a crazy month. Hopefully the beginning of February we can try to get get back to normal. Even though he'll be a month old then, he'll still be like a newborn. With premies you have to just go off their due date with milestones. To me that means I won't be getting any sleep for 2 months instead of just 1. Ha. Oh well. I know he's doing ok... Every day just seems long.

So many friends and family have been willing to help with the girls and bring us dinner. I have never been so accepting of help in my whole life and I'm incredibly grateful for it. If you offer it, I'm taking you up on it. ;) The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions. I don't know why our family has to go through this, but we tell each other we're going to have the strongest family ever. Thanks for all the prayers you're sending for us!

Some of Raef's story/my random crazy lady thoughts

Unless you don't get on Facebook, you probably know Raef was born. He decided to make his debut without much warning.

1/4/2013
9:31pm
5lbs, 10oz
18.5in long

He is the sweetest little guy and I'm so in love. We're still in the hospital and I'm trying not to go crazy.

So after I was discharged Friday from triage, Austin and I went to my parents, because my mom had the girls. I literally just sat on the couch the rest of the day unless I had to go to the bathroom. I also had Austin go get the carseat i decided on for our 3-in-row deal, but had not bought yet! I think it was around 4:30 when I started feeling my contraction more. We decided to head home at 5, because my dear friend was bringing me dinner and I wanted to get the girls to bed early. In the 20min drive home, my contractions increased a whole lot. I really don't know how close together they ever were... I was in pretty big denial I was actually having a baby. By the time we got home though, I started crying once again and knew it was time to pack everyone's bags. I texted my mom to have her drive over and we got ready for the hospital.

We got to Mercy Gilbert around 6:30, I checked back into Triage and was so emotional. Every nurse I had try to tell me everything was going to be ok. I was not mentally prepared for this at all and was so worried about having a preterm baby. I was 6cm when I got checked and got sent to labor and delivery. Because I hadn't even had some testing done yet, I had to be on antibiotics while in labor. I opted for an epidural right after hearing that. I really wish I didn't have to, but I was having a lot of anxiety. I know it did help me, but by the time he was +1 I could feel pretty much everything. It was bad, because i was feeling light headed, but good so I had complete control on pushing him at the right times. Also, my epidural spot has been the most sore area in the past 24hrs. I guess that's a good sign that everything else is recovering quickly. Anyway, my water broke at 8cm and Raef was born really soon after.

He came out with a cry and breathed on his own. Because, he's preterm we met with the nicu people while i was laboring and they warned us about potential problems. We were told that babies born this gestational stage are usually 4lbs and spend 1-2 weeks in the nicu, but eventually turn out just like any other baby. I was able to hold him and bond a little before they took him.

He's using the CPAP machine, so he doesn't have to work so hard at breathing, They are lowering the pressure and hope to have him off of it really soon. They x-rays show that his lungs are maturing. He sucks a binky good and has done well with all the poking. It is so hard for me to watch... I really don't do well with this stuff. I just can't wait to take him home and have him for myself. I know eventually everything will be perfectly normal, but right now it does not feel like it. Please pray for him that he'll catch up really soon and pray for me to be strong.

I know he's doing really well for being 5 weeks early, but I've done this baby thing 2 other times and this is just not the experience I could have imagined for myself. I know I'm very blessed though. I think that God is teaching me to rely on Him more and that I can't do everything on my own.

Raef is so cute and I can't wait to get better pictures of him for you. Loving 3 kids is really easy. I'm so grateful to have a son.

The boy is already throwing me for a loop

I'll be 35 weeks tomorrow. The past couple days have been really rough. He dropped real low a few days ago and I've been having a lot of contractions. I went into triage this morning, because they were getting worse. I was given some IV fluids and a Terbutaline shot. I'm dilated 3cm and they stopped me from progressing. Though my contractions have weakened, they have not gone away. They won't stop him from coming after tomorrow either. They said that babies that come on their own early normally do really well and are just ready for some reason. I have faith he'll be ok. Keep him in your prayers though!

However, I am not mentally prepared for this!!! Doesn't he know he's messing with my plans?! I have the whole month of January mapped out like you wouldn't believe. I literally can't do like anything. I don't get what I'm supposed to be learning... I don't do well with people doing stuff for me! Thankfully, I have my mom and so many friends and family that are willing to help with the girls. I would be doomed without them. Austin starts up his seminary student teaching on Monday too. Holy cow, wish me luck!

This seriously was the easiest pregnancy for me up until about a week ago. I don't know who the boy thinks he is, but he obviously has a mission to accomplish. I just hope he stay put for at least a week or 2! And I guess all my January plans are being put on hold. Funny, I never imagined this feeling. Contractions hurt a LOT more when you're not accepting of them too. I tried hard to get the girls here, though I never went overdue. This boy is already changing my life. I'm sure he'll be a sweetheart. I'll keep you posted if you pray for me. :)