Tis the season

We're in full holiday swing mode over here. I sort of kind of wish that I have stayed good at keeping my blog updated, but way too many priorities come before it. At least I'm still writing in my kid's journals. Anyhow, I LOVE Christmas! And the kids do too. Even though things are a lot different this year, I can't tell you how much joy the spirit of Christmas brings me. Somehow what is really important is really all that matters. I mean, I'm still all about traditions. We have Princess Elf that comes and goes from the North Pole every day (she doesn't do anything fancy, but find a new spot to sit and watch the kids make their choices.) We have our advent calendars, we're decorating, looking at Christmas lights, singing Christmas songs, and watching Christmas movies. Most importantly, we're talking about Jesus. We're talking about the miracle of His birth and how He was born in a stable to a sweet, fair Mother and a protective, caring Father. We're talking about shepherds seeing angels and wisemen bringing special gifts. We're talking about a bright star and all the signs of Christ's birth. We're talking about why it is so important to remember Jesus and how He changed the world. All of this talking and trying to get the right message across to my kids has been the perfect reminder to me of the perfect love of our Savior. I'm remembering how Jesus was once an infant with a mother and father to take of Him and how amazing it is that we are provided the perfect opportunities to have a Christ-like love. How I want the faith and strength that Mary had! She didn't know what would happen to them. She just knew to listen, obey, and to remember why she was carrying this child. I'm remembering to look at my kids and see their beauty more often, be patient, and more loving. I'm remembering that what makes a house a home is the Spirit that dwells there. I'm remembering that because of that first Christmas I am capable of anything life throws at me. Our perfect Savior was born in an imperfect world and will come again. I'm remembering that Christ is there for me, to lift me, to teach me, and help me be who I want and need to become, which is more like Him. Life is challenging and often times seems extremely complex. Christmas can even be complicated and stressful. However, Jesus Christ is simple. Bringing Him into our homes can make life more simple too.
I don't have a lot of money to spend on presents and I don't know where my life is headed. I DO have a family to love and nurture though and I KNOW with every part of my Soul that Jesus was born for me. I LOVE Christmas!!! I hope all of you are enjoying it too!

miracles

I have something stewing inside of me, just feelings in my heart to share. I may need to start a new blog to get all the real-ness and intent of my thoughts and feelings out, but this is what I have for now.

This is something on miracles. Do you think of and recognize them in your every day life? I was talking to one of my dearest friends not too long ago when she said, "you have to have angels with you, Chelsie." That hit me, because through every bit of dark, lonely, excruciatingly painful experiences, there has been a God and Savior pulling me to rise above it. Somehow, someway, no matter how depressed and overwhelmed I have felt, I have been able to be a good mom to my kids. After the sleepless, tear-filled nights, there was always a morning that I managed to embrace. And now, day by day, little by little, I am healing and finding happiness while dealing with the challenges and exhaustion of being a mom.

I have been through deep awful times the last few years, but I recognize how I have been saved and blessed just as often. I wouldn't be who I am without Christ, angels at my side, and miracles testifying that I have a heavenly father who loves me and has a plan for me. He has a plan for all of us. If any of these feelings sound familiar to you, don't ever lose hope in your Christ. There is an endless amount of his love to gain and know. I have only begun to understand what His love means for me and my life. How powerful this is! When I have been in the midst of a storm and crying out to God, asking how He could let this happen, He had already provided a way to make it all right. Knowing this helps me keep my faith.

Tomorrow I'm going to be a present, patient mom and ignore any thoughts or triggers that could be destructive, and that will be a miracle.

It will be a miracle to smile, laugh, and be truly happy.

I'll accomplish all I have set before me, day after day, with peace in my soul. That is a miracle.

I am a believer in miracles; they're changing me.

What's in a name?

Picking names for my kids wasn't much of a big deal for me. I know it can be for a lot of people and that some people don't even pick a name until their baby is born. I think however your naming process goes is great as long as it works for you. My picking a name process went like this: I like that name, I can't see my baby being any other name, that is going to be his/her name. It was quite simple.

Since my kids have been born, are getting a little older, and their personalities are blossoming and shining through, their names mean so much to me. Sky, Truly, Raef. What would I do without these names in my life? 

Sky made me a mom 3.5yrs ago and how drastically my life has changed since that day. I always wanted to be a mom, but I didn't understand the immense joy, worry, exhaustion, and love that i would feel. Synonyms to Sky are heaven and blue. Since the day she was born, I have felt the windows of heaven open up towards me. Being a mom has changed my entire outlook on life, given me purpose, and a reason to draw closer to God, and heaven, if you will, to raise His daughter. Sky is such a special spirit. She is a wonderful example to me of pure love. I look into her blue eyes every day and am grateful for her. 

I knew I was going to have another girl before I got pregnant with Truly. I felt her Spirit and knew I wanted to name her Truly before I was even pregnant. My whole pregnancy and delivery with her was perfect in my eyes. She was also a perfect baby, my easiest so far. I have always had an easy and natural time getting along with Truly. Everyone loves her. She came at a time in my life when I really needed her sweet spirit. Truly; genuinely, sincerely, truthfully. I believe she will continue to exemplify sincerity and truth through her life. Without a doubt, I know she is meant for me, even for Sky and Raef. 

I knew I was having a boy from the moment I got pregnant with Raef. I was so excited to have a boy and fell in love with his name. The Arabic meaning of Raef is forgiving. The Hebrew meaning of Raef is God has Healed. I can't even begin to describe how fitting that meaning is to him and our lives. Raef came at a very crazy time in my life. From his abrupt birth till our unknown present, he has been healing my heart in so many ways. I felt guilty a handful of times for getting pregnant with Raef, but I know he is supposed to be here and that he has a great purpose to fulfill. God is forgiving and does heal. Raef reminds me of that.

God is in the details of our lives. He is in the details of my life. I believe He his in the details of my kid's names. 

A few lessons from hard times

So I haven't posted in a long time and some of you are probably aware of why. if anybody is worried... I'm doing fine and the kids are cuter than ever. ;)

I just wanted to express some feeling that I've been having about life. I think all of us are experiencing something that's hard.  Whether traumatic or not, it's hard to us. A lot of times nobody knows what is really going on with you or your life. I've experienced  a lot of that. Sometimes we do our best and be our best around others that nobody knows the hurt, pain, and struggles that you're facing. I have learned first hand about the feeling of having support and love from your friends and family that know your struggles and are there for you through it all. It makes it so much easier than doing it alone. 

I have also learned that we, as a people and society, judge each other WAY too much! Being judged hurts. End of story. For the most part, we are all doing the best that we can and all we need is support and encouragement, not judgment. Nobody understands fully what we've gone through/are going through, and why we've done something or are making the decisions we are. Nobody knows what's right or wrong for you. That's up to you and God. As much as I've even wished in life that somebody would know and be able to tell me what's best for me, nobody can. That's something we have to learn in this life. This is why I'm especially grateful for the gospel and all it entails. Prayer, the scriptures, the temple, priesthood blessings, and priesthood leaders have all been such strength to me in times of need. Especially times where I Need the Holy Ghost in my life in extra amounts. My eyes have been intensely opened to the world of judgment, and I will do all I can to not judge another person for their decisions or life choices. It is between them and God.

Another lesson I have recently learned is that no two people are the same or have the same life. I cannot stand when people compare each other. Comparing is very similar to judging, but it has a different feel to it. Someone may think they are being helpful or informative by comparing your situation to theirs or someone that they know. Maybe it isn't such a big deal to some people, but I know at least with me, being compared to someone else has made me feel invalidated, almost as if my feelings, life, and circumstances don't count on their own degree. It also hurts. We're all living our own life, with our own unique experiences and abilities. That counts and I hope to make others feel it does.

Maybe this is all a little scatterbrained, but I know that the atonement is real. Whatever you are facing, Christ is always there. I feel extremely blessed to have the friends and family I do at this time in my life. I cherish their friendship like they wouldn't believe. I went far too long without opening up to a friend, but I have always had my Savior. The gospel is about experiencing true joy, and as silly as it sounds, it has taken me a while to learn life doesn't have to be perfect to have peace and joy. I'll never be perfect here and my life will never be perfect, but I know that God rejoices in our righteousness, not our misery. Hopefully other times in life will be easier to find the peace and joy we all want, but when it's tough, it is still available. I have a lot I could complain about, but I also know how blessed I am to have the life that is transforming me into the person I need to be.

I'm learning much, folks. Thanks for listening.

24

Some random facts:
2months ago, today, I turned 24.

I was a mom to 3kids at the age of 23 for 2months and 5 days. Ha!

I've decided I'm embracing every year I turn a year older, because all of my friends that are in their 30's say 30's are way better than 20's. i decided to believe them. 24 makes me sounds so much more mature, right?

2months have done me a lot of good. I'm feeling like myself so much more these days.

I like boring and useful presents... Something I'll use all the time and have been wanting.

I think flowers and such are a waste of money. Not dark chocolate though. Good, rich chocolate is always worth the money.

Raef had only been home for 6weeks when my birthday came. The best present I could have asked for was Austin coming home to help me finish my table. He knows me so well.

After a 2month wait, we finally had a garage sale (that we originally planned on having the weekend Raef was born) and we were able to buy chairs for our table this weekend! Wahoo! No more eating on plastic lifetime chairs! I'm so happy.

I'm already thinking about how I'll do my kitchen in our next house and how my table will look with it. For reals. I'm a crazy, but we have been talking about moving a lot if it justifies that.

I have an obsession

And it's ISR.

Seriously. For those of you that are LDS, you know the feeling of wanting to tell everyone about the gospel? That's how I feel about ISR (Infant Swimming Resource.) I feel so lucky to have been able to put my girls through this program. I couldn't imagine having an AZ summer without my kids being fish and not being able to feel comfortable around pools and such. Like I've said before, it's a big time and financial commitment, but IT WORKS. (Austin and I are also big believers in if there's a will, there's a way, and we've always been able to come up with money for ISR.) Without a doubt, every baby and toddler comes out of there learning what they were supposed to. My girls have learned safety around water, how to enjoy it,what their boundaries are, and how to save themselves if they were to ever fall in if someone wasn't around. Oh, and Truly has only done a total of 10 weeks in 2 years and Sky has done 11 weeks in 3 years. I really am grateful for it and their teacher, Angelee. ISR saves many kids lives. I wish I had a pool right now, so I could be an instructor myself. Maybe one day. Would you send your kids to me? Pretty please?? Anyway, there's my confession... now onto  some pics of my adorable girls and their sweet skills,  mostly courtesy of Angelee Holt. (I have lots of videos, but for some reason uploading to blogger has been crazy difficult for me. I can put more on facebook if you'd like to see some good stuff. :)

 

 

 

 



Beauty and the Beast

I've been waiting to take Sky to a musical from the time I found out she was a girl. Not that I couldn't take a boy, but this is the kind of stuff I did with my mom. I loved being an only girl and doing on the special stuff that comes with being a girl with my mom or dad. I am glad Sky has Truly for a sister... They balance each other out perfectly. It's just so fun to be able to start doing the girl stuff with her and making memories.

Austin and I took Skylin to see Beauty and the Beast at Gammage this month and we had a blast! Sky got dressed up like a princess in her own attire and she felt extra special just being with mom and dad. She did really well sitting through it (we brought lots of snacks) especially considering we haven't even taken her to the theatre yet. Movies just aren't as exciting as musicals, ok? She said her favorite part was the dancing and she still talks about it. It was a fun day out! Love my sweet Skylin and her wonderful daddy. I hope we can always be friends like I am with my mom.

Read without judgments- from inside my heart and brain

I've been wanting to write something on my ppd experience, but haven't known how. I'm not much of good writer, but I've been wanting to express myself on paper where I know someone will read it. 1 in 5-7 women experience some of the same postpartum depression symptoms that I have. I had no idea how common it was, because nobody talks about it. I didn't want to be that person. Anyone who knows me well knows i'm not fake, i don't hide things well, and i'm definitely a terrible liar. I know everyone is not perfect, but sometimes I get the vibe that people just think that I have everything under control just fine. Don't get my wrong, I like that the majority of people I see regularly make me feel good about myself as a mother, but this started to be something that I was sick of hiding. Something that I have had to come to realize that I had no control over. I may seem organized or calm or whatever it is I get complimented on, but I work so hard to get the results I want out of myself and my family. This is why having ppd is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. It didn't matter how hard I worked, how much I played with the kids, how patient I was, how clean the house was, how completely in control everything was for just having a baby, at the end of the day I was bombarded by feelings of depression, not being good enough, and only being able to see the mistakes I had made that day. And then the guilt would set in. Oh the guilt!! I have never felt such worse pain in my life... It was absolute torture! I have felt like a terrible mother, the 2nd most important thing to me in my life. I can honestly say that I know that being a mom is my destiny. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Yet, I felt like an utter failure, because I was not handling it well and I could not find the Joy that I expected to experience.

After Raef was born things were really hard... I think I've mentioned that once or twice, yeah? ;) I felt like I was forced to have a baby at the completely wrong time, my baby was taken from me, I was sent home without him, and then ran around like a mad woman for 2 weeks. I felt like I got no help and no transition time. The thing is, people DID help me! Our parents were constantly watching the girls and our ward brought us dinners every other night for the entire 2 weeks, but I did not feel like I was getting any help, any break, and nothing I needed as a new mother to 3 kids. Oh, and sleep? Please... I'm STILL trying to get my body to sleep. I was at the hospital with Raef, and then to my parents to pick the girls up, and then home to take care of them. Back to the hospital when Austin was home, and some nights I would get home late at night and I had felt like nothing was done around the house like it should have been. (Obviously right? Well I couldn't take it.) some nights I would stay up late and just cry while tidying up, doing the dishes, and folding some laundry. As I look back, I can now see how and when my ppd started. At the time though, I knew things were crazy and hard and just thought they would get better. Well, things did get better. I just didn't get better. People would see me and compliment me on how good I looked for just having a baby. In my head, "well I didn't have any time to sit at home and act like I just had a baby. It's a stinking good thing my body recovers quickly!" It took me a while to realize that I wasn't just crazy, and something serious was going on inside of me. Some of the things I'd experience...

Total loss of memory. I could not remember things and was always forgetting something! I am NOT a forgetful person.

Not being able to focus and concentrate. I felt so scatterbrained all the time. This has made every day so hard.

Getting mad really easily over the littlest things.

Major OCD and perfectionism. I have wanted everything to be perfect, which is so unrealistic and I know that, but I can't control how my brain is responding to what I feel like is chaos.

While trying to calmly overcome my OCD episodes, I did not like anyone near me, which with toddlers... Well you can just imagine how hard that would be.

After lots of crying, pleading to Heavenly Father for help, and conversations with Austin and some friends, I decided to go see my midwife for help. The week I decided to do this though, she was out of town. I went in to see someone else anyway and I did not like this lady. I didn't feel she was addressing my needs personally and just wanted to prescribe me antidepressants. (Now I wouldn't judge someone who does choose antidepressants... I just didn't think it was the right thing for me.) Discouraged, I text my midwife for help and she thought I should go see a counselor. I'm so glad she did, because it has been SO helpful. I'm taking lots of fish oil and on the better road to getting this behind me. It's been nice to know that I'm not alone in this and that these feelings are from a series of events and my hormones being imbalanced. Not something I did to make myself a crazy lady.

I know that I'm a daughter of God and that my loving Father in Heaven has a plan for me. How grateful I am for the atonement... For I know Christ has been with me through all of this. If it wasn't for Him, I don't think I could have kept pushing forward and taking care of my family the way I have been. I know that though I have felt so alone, I have not been alone. Guys, I have some amazing kids. I'd like to think I get some credit for that, but I don't think I do... I know my God and Savior have been helping me through it. One of the hardest parts of all of this is my feeling of not feeling worthy to be a mother. If I can't handle it the way I should, then why am I mom?? Prayer has brought me hope though. I can hope for better days and more good days than bad ones. I can hope that this trial will only last a short while and that I will fulfill my role as a wife and mother to the potential I have set for me. This trial doesn't define me and I know I'm getting stronger each day. It isn't about being a perfect mom. It's about being a good enough mom and learning and growing and relying on Christ. I am blessed.

If you don't have anything nice to say then please don't comment. If you do though, or have anything in common with me from the novel you just read, please comment. I'm sure it will brighten my day. :)

Raef at 3months

My little Raef man, Raefer, Handsome, sweet boy, Mr. Raef, and Mama's boy is 3months old now. He weighs about 10.5lbs and he's definitely into the real baby stage... Smiling a lot, some cooing, and crying whenever he wants me. He's a pretty easy going baby. It's been an adjustment for me to try to arrange a newborn's schedule around the girl's activities, but he does well. But hey, I've made it 3months on this whole 2.5-3hr schedule. It only gets easier here on out. He is really a quiet baby most the time... Much quieter than my girls. I love having a boy. I love all my kids tremendously, but it's been interesting to me how the feelings are different between having a daughter and a son. Both are fabulous and unique.

He averages 7hrs at night. I feel like he should be sleeping so much better, but Truly was doing 8-9 at 2months, so I guess he's not too behind. It just feels like it's been a really long time of not much sleep. (he starts his long stretch at 8pm) I've been ok during the day on the tired scale though. I think it has something to do with me struggling with ppd (postpartum depression.) I can just go and go and go... My brain does not stop. Luckily, I am getting better. And before whoever actually reads this goes and freaks out, my ppd is nothing like I thought ppd was. Yes, super hard, but my chances of getting it were extremely high with how everything with Raef happened. That will have to be a different post though... ;) I'm loving being a mom to this sweet boy. He completes my heart.

Easter

I love Easter. I love that it's more laid back than Christmas, still fun and exciting, that we have so many opportunities to talk about Christ, and that I get to dress up my kids. The girls are SO into dressing up these days. It's hilarious. 8am church is kinda hard to look cute though. Ha.

We went to way too many Easter egg hunts this year, visited family, and I ate way too many Reese's eggs and Dove coconut cream eggs. (They are THE best.) my mom totally still gets me candy. :)

Love this

Just wanted to share this quote by Tim Gallway. I love it in regards to motherhood and also when it comes to thinking of myself.

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice it as small, but we do not criticize it as 'rootless and stemless.' We treat it as a seed giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; we do not criticize the buds for not being open when they first appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place, and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of development. The rose is a rose from the time t is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change: Yet at each stage, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is. A flower is not better when it blooms than when it is merely a bud; at each stage it is the same thing... A flower in the process of expressing its potential."

Evolution of the table

Remember that free table we scored a while back? I wanted to work on it before Raef was born, but you all know how that went...
Anyway, a few weeks ago we decided to go at it. Some people ask me, "how so you have the time to do a project with a new baby?" Well, I'm all about making time for myself too and I love this kind of stuff. It took me a long time though. Haha.

I sanded it all down and then primed it. I then painted the whole bottom of the table white, which was the most time consuming part. Then Austin helped me tape it off and spray paint the top black. We then distressed the white some and put a clear coat on the top. I really love how it turned out. Now I just need to build a bench and find some chairs for it. I'm not working on that yet though... Haha.

Truly at 21months.

Truly is 21months... It's a big deal to me, because I can't believe how close she is to being 2!!

Truly is a sweetheart and a complete tease. Her favorite thing on earth is to make people laugh. She is really hard to discipline, because she thinks it's funny most of the time. Luckily, she is good girl the majority of the time. Truly and Skylin are best friends. Truly can say, "Sky" now and she doesn't like to go to bed without her. She keeps up with Sky pretty well too. You should see how amazing she is at jumping on the trampoline. She seems so much older than she really is.
Truly is saying a lot more words these days. She helps read a verse of scripture during our family scripture study and we all laugh at her trying to pronounce all the words. I'm sure she loves it. Truly's favorite color is purple. She also loves to dance and really enjoys being a big sister. She isn't shy and is giving of her love to everyone. She sleeps 12hrs at night and takes 1nap. She is getting so big and and becoming extremely beautiful. We don't know what we do without her!

Raef's baby blessing

We had the opportunity to bless Raef in our ward this morning. Baby blessing days are some of my favorite days ever. Austin gave the blessing with the priesthood men in our family surrounding him and it was beautiful. I love catching glimpses of my kid's potential and divine worth. I feel so blessed to be Raef's mom. Some of my favorite parts were having a love for the Savior and finding happiness through Him, having a special interest in family and posterity, and going through life with confidence and humility. Raef was awake, super alert, and quiet theoufh his blessing. it was adorable. I'm sure he will prove to be one amazing boy and man.
After the blessing our family came over for a little breakfast. I did a yogurt parfait bar with different kinds of yogurt, 2kinds of granola, craisins, mini chocolate chips, and 5 different fruits. It turned out delicious. We also had juice and muffins. We've had a wonderful day honoring what a special spirit Raef is. We love him so much!