Read without judgments- from inside my heart and brain

I've been wanting to write something on my ppd experience, but haven't known how. I'm not much of good writer, but I've been wanting to express myself on paper where I know someone will read it. 1 in 5-7 women experience some of the same postpartum depression symptoms that I have. I had no idea how common it was, because nobody talks about it. I didn't want to be that person. Anyone who knows me well knows i'm not fake, i don't hide things well, and i'm definitely a terrible liar. I know everyone is not perfect, but sometimes I get the vibe that people just think that I have everything under control just fine. Don't get my wrong, I like that the majority of people I see regularly make me feel good about myself as a mother, but this started to be something that I was sick of hiding. Something that I have had to come to realize that I had no control over. I may seem organized or calm or whatever it is I get complimented on, but I work so hard to get the results I want out of myself and my family. This is why having ppd is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. It didn't matter how hard I worked, how much I played with the kids, how patient I was, how clean the house was, how completely in control everything was for just having a baby, at the end of the day I was bombarded by feelings of depression, not being good enough, and only being able to see the mistakes I had made that day. And then the guilt would set in. Oh the guilt!! I have never felt such worse pain in my life... It was absolute torture! I have felt like a terrible mother, the 2nd most important thing to me in my life. I can honestly say that I know that being a mom is my destiny. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Yet, I felt like an utter failure, because I was not handling it well and I could not find the Joy that I expected to experience.

After Raef was born things were really hard... I think I've mentioned that once or twice, yeah? ;) I felt like I was forced to have a baby at the completely wrong time, my baby was taken from me, I was sent home without him, and then ran around like a mad woman for 2 weeks. I felt like I got no help and no transition time. The thing is, people DID help me! Our parents were constantly watching the girls and our ward brought us dinners every other night for the entire 2 weeks, but I did not feel like I was getting any help, any break, and nothing I needed as a new mother to 3 kids. Oh, and sleep? Please... I'm STILL trying to get my body to sleep. I was at the hospital with Raef, and then to my parents to pick the girls up, and then home to take care of them. Back to the hospital when Austin was home, and some nights I would get home late at night and I had felt like nothing was done around the house like it should have been. (Obviously right? Well I couldn't take it.) some nights I would stay up late and just cry while tidying up, doing the dishes, and folding some laundry. As I look back, I can now see how and when my ppd started. At the time though, I knew things were crazy and hard and just thought they would get better. Well, things did get better. I just didn't get better. People would see me and compliment me on how good I looked for just having a baby. In my head, "well I didn't have any time to sit at home and act like I just had a baby. It's a stinking good thing my body recovers quickly!" It took me a while to realize that I wasn't just crazy, and something serious was going on inside of me. Some of the things I'd experience...

Total loss of memory. I could not remember things and was always forgetting something! I am NOT a forgetful person.

Not being able to focus and concentrate. I felt so scatterbrained all the time. This has made every day so hard.

Getting mad really easily over the littlest things.

Major OCD and perfectionism. I have wanted everything to be perfect, which is so unrealistic and I know that, but I can't control how my brain is responding to what I feel like is chaos.

While trying to calmly overcome my OCD episodes, I did not like anyone near me, which with toddlers... Well you can just imagine how hard that would be.

After lots of crying, pleading to Heavenly Father for help, and conversations with Austin and some friends, I decided to go see my midwife for help. The week I decided to do this though, she was out of town. I went in to see someone else anyway and I did not like this lady. I didn't feel she was addressing my needs personally and just wanted to prescribe me antidepressants. (Now I wouldn't judge someone who does choose antidepressants... I just didn't think it was the right thing for me.) Discouraged, I text my midwife for help and she thought I should go see a counselor. I'm so glad she did, because it has been SO helpful. I'm taking lots of fish oil and on the better road to getting this behind me. It's been nice to know that I'm not alone in this and that these feelings are from a series of events and my hormones being imbalanced. Not something I did to make myself a crazy lady.

I know that I'm a daughter of God and that my loving Father in Heaven has a plan for me. How grateful I am for the atonement... For I know Christ has been with me through all of this. If it wasn't for Him, I don't think I could have kept pushing forward and taking care of my family the way I have been. I know that though I have felt so alone, I have not been alone. Guys, I have some amazing kids. I'd like to think I get some credit for that, but I don't think I do... I know my God and Savior have been helping me through it. One of the hardest parts of all of this is my feeling of not feeling worthy to be a mother. If I can't handle it the way I should, then why am I mom?? Prayer has brought me hope though. I can hope for better days and more good days than bad ones. I can hope that this trial will only last a short while and that I will fulfill my role as a wife and mother to the potential I have set for me. This trial doesn't define me and I know I'm getting stronger each day. It isn't about being a perfect mom. It's about being a good enough mom and learning and growing and relying on Christ. I am blessed.

If you don't have anything nice to say then please don't comment. If you do though, or have anything in common with me from the novel you just read, please comment. I'm sure it will brighten my day. :)