Read without judgments- from inside my heart and brain

I've been wanting to write something on my ppd experience, but haven't known how. I'm not much of good writer, but I've been wanting to express myself on paper where I know someone will read it. 1 in 5-7 women experience some of the same postpartum depression symptoms that I have. I had no idea how common it was, because nobody talks about it. I didn't want to be that person. Anyone who knows me well knows i'm not fake, i don't hide things well, and i'm definitely a terrible liar. I know everyone is not perfect, but sometimes I get the vibe that people just think that I have everything under control just fine. Don't get my wrong, I like that the majority of people I see regularly make me feel good about myself as a mother, but this started to be something that I was sick of hiding. Something that I have had to come to realize that I had no control over. I may seem organized or calm or whatever it is I get complimented on, but I work so hard to get the results I want out of myself and my family. This is why having ppd is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. It didn't matter how hard I worked, how much I played with the kids, how patient I was, how clean the house was, how completely in control everything was for just having a baby, at the end of the day I was bombarded by feelings of depression, not being good enough, and only being able to see the mistakes I had made that day. And then the guilt would set in. Oh the guilt!! I have never felt such worse pain in my life... It was absolute torture! I have felt like a terrible mother, the 2nd most important thing to me in my life. I can honestly say that I know that being a mom is my destiny. This is what I'm supposed to be doing right now and I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Yet, I felt like an utter failure, because I was not handling it well and I could not find the Joy that I expected to experience.

After Raef was born things were really hard... I think I've mentioned that once or twice, yeah? ;) I felt like I was forced to have a baby at the completely wrong time, my baby was taken from me, I was sent home without him, and then ran around like a mad woman for 2 weeks. I felt like I got no help and no transition time. The thing is, people DID help me! Our parents were constantly watching the girls and our ward brought us dinners every other night for the entire 2 weeks, but I did not feel like I was getting any help, any break, and nothing I needed as a new mother to 3 kids. Oh, and sleep? Please... I'm STILL trying to get my body to sleep. I was at the hospital with Raef, and then to my parents to pick the girls up, and then home to take care of them. Back to the hospital when Austin was home, and some nights I would get home late at night and I had felt like nothing was done around the house like it should have been. (Obviously right? Well I couldn't take it.) some nights I would stay up late and just cry while tidying up, doing the dishes, and folding some laundry. As I look back, I can now see how and when my ppd started. At the time though, I knew things were crazy and hard and just thought they would get better. Well, things did get better. I just didn't get better. People would see me and compliment me on how good I looked for just having a baby. In my head, "well I didn't have any time to sit at home and act like I just had a baby. It's a stinking good thing my body recovers quickly!" It took me a while to realize that I wasn't just crazy, and something serious was going on inside of me. Some of the things I'd experience...

Total loss of memory. I could not remember things and was always forgetting something! I am NOT a forgetful person.

Not being able to focus and concentrate. I felt so scatterbrained all the time. This has made every day so hard.

Getting mad really easily over the littlest things.

Major OCD and perfectionism. I have wanted everything to be perfect, which is so unrealistic and I know that, but I can't control how my brain is responding to what I feel like is chaos.

While trying to calmly overcome my OCD episodes, I did not like anyone near me, which with toddlers... Well you can just imagine how hard that would be.

After lots of crying, pleading to Heavenly Father for help, and conversations with Austin and some friends, I decided to go see my midwife for help. The week I decided to do this though, she was out of town. I went in to see someone else anyway and I did not like this lady. I didn't feel she was addressing my needs personally and just wanted to prescribe me antidepressants. (Now I wouldn't judge someone who does choose antidepressants... I just didn't think it was the right thing for me.) Discouraged, I text my midwife for help and she thought I should go see a counselor. I'm so glad she did, because it has been SO helpful. I'm taking lots of fish oil and on the better road to getting this behind me. It's been nice to know that I'm not alone in this and that these feelings are from a series of events and my hormones being imbalanced. Not something I did to make myself a crazy lady.

I know that I'm a daughter of God and that my loving Father in Heaven has a plan for me. How grateful I am for the atonement... For I know Christ has been with me through all of this. If it wasn't for Him, I don't think I could have kept pushing forward and taking care of my family the way I have been. I know that though I have felt so alone, I have not been alone. Guys, I have some amazing kids. I'd like to think I get some credit for that, but I don't think I do... I know my God and Savior have been helping me through it. One of the hardest parts of all of this is my feeling of not feeling worthy to be a mother. If I can't handle it the way I should, then why am I mom?? Prayer has brought me hope though. I can hope for better days and more good days than bad ones. I can hope that this trial will only last a short while and that I will fulfill my role as a wife and mother to the potential I have set for me. This trial doesn't define me and I know I'm getting stronger each day. It isn't about being a perfect mom. It's about being a good enough mom and learning and growing and relying on Christ. I am blessed.

If you don't have anything nice to say then please don't comment. If you do though, or have anything in common with me from the novel you just read, please comment. I'm sure it will brighten my day. :)

Raef at 3months

My little Raef man, Raefer, Handsome, sweet boy, Mr. Raef, and Mama's boy is 3months old now. He weighs about 10.5lbs and he's definitely into the real baby stage... Smiling a lot, some cooing, and crying whenever he wants me. He's a pretty easy going baby. It's been an adjustment for me to try to arrange a newborn's schedule around the girl's activities, but he does well. But hey, I've made it 3months on this whole 2.5-3hr schedule. It only gets easier here on out. He is really a quiet baby most the time... Much quieter than my girls. I love having a boy. I love all my kids tremendously, but it's been interesting to me how the feelings are different between having a daughter and a son. Both are fabulous and unique.

He averages 7hrs at night. I feel like he should be sleeping so much better, but Truly was doing 8-9 at 2months, so I guess he's not too behind. It just feels like it's been a really long time of not much sleep. (he starts his long stretch at 8pm) I've been ok during the day on the tired scale though. I think it has something to do with me struggling with ppd (postpartum depression.) I can just go and go and go... My brain does not stop. Luckily, I am getting better. And before whoever actually reads this goes and freaks out, my ppd is nothing like I thought ppd was. Yes, super hard, but my chances of getting it were extremely high with how everything with Raef happened. That will have to be a different post though... ;) I'm loving being a mom to this sweet boy. He completes my heart.

Easter

I love Easter. I love that it's more laid back than Christmas, still fun and exciting, that we have so many opportunities to talk about Christ, and that I get to dress up my kids. The girls are SO into dressing up these days. It's hilarious. 8am church is kinda hard to look cute though. Ha.

We went to way too many Easter egg hunts this year, visited family, and I ate way too many Reese's eggs and Dove coconut cream eggs. (They are THE best.) my mom totally still gets me candy. :)

Love this

Just wanted to share this quote by Tim Gallway. I love it in regards to motherhood and also when it comes to thinking of myself.

"When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice it as small, but we do not criticize it as 'rootless and stemless.' We treat it as a seed giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped; we do not criticize the buds for not being open when they first appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place, and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of development. The rose is a rose from the time t is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change: Yet at each stage, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is. A flower is not better when it blooms than when it is merely a bud; at each stage it is the same thing... A flower in the process of expressing its potential."

Evolution of the table

Remember that free table we scored a while back? I wanted to work on it before Raef was born, but you all know how that went...
Anyway, a few weeks ago we decided to go at it. Some people ask me, "how so you have the time to do a project with a new baby?" Well, I'm all about making time for myself too and I love this kind of stuff. It took me a long time though. Haha.

I sanded it all down and then primed it. I then painted the whole bottom of the table white, which was the most time consuming part. Then Austin helped me tape it off and spray paint the top black. We then distressed the white some and put a clear coat on the top. I really love how it turned out. Now I just need to build a bench and find some chairs for it. I'm not working on that yet though... Haha.

Truly at 21months.

Truly is 21months... It's a big deal to me, because I can't believe how close she is to being 2!!

Truly is a sweetheart and a complete tease. Her favorite thing on earth is to make people laugh. She is really hard to discipline, because she thinks it's funny most of the time. Luckily, she is good girl the majority of the time. Truly and Skylin are best friends. Truly can say, "Sky" now and she doesn't like to go to bed without her. She keeps up with Sky pretty well too. You should see how amazing she is at jumping on the trampoline. She seems so much older than she really is.
Truly is saying a lot more words these days. She helps read a verse of scripture during our family scripture study and we all laugh at her trying to pronounce all the words. I'm sure she loves it. Truly's favorite color is purple. She also loves to dance and really enjoys being a big sister. She isn't shy and is giving of her love to everyone. She sleeps 12hrs at night and takes 1nap. She is getting so big and and becoming extremely beautiful. We don't know what we do without her!

Raef's baby blessing

We had the opportunity to bless Raef in our ward this morning. Baby blessing days are some of my favorite days ever. Austin gave the blessing with the priesthood men in our family surrounding him and it was beautiful. I love catching glimpses of my kid's potential and divine worth. I feel so blessed to be Raef's mom. Some of my favorite parts were having a love for the Savior and finding happiness through Him, having a special interest in family and posterity, and going through life with confidence and humility. Raef was awake, super alert, and quiet theoufh his blessing. it was adorable. I'm sure he will prove to be one amazing boy and man.
After the blessing our family came over for a little breakfast. I did a yogurt parfait bar with different kinds of yogurt, 2kinds of granola, craisins, mini chocolate chips, and 5 different fruits. It turned out delicious. We also had juice and muffins. We've had a wonderful day honoring what a special spirit Raef is. We love him so much!